Rabu, 9 Mei 07, 23.35 wib

Terjebak dalam ruang sempit nurani dan jiwa, saat ini, begitu melelahkan.
Aku tak jua mampu memahami, mengapa superego selalu membuatku tersudut, sementara jiwa ini menggelepar meminta ruang sedikit saja untuk melepas sesaknya. Sungguh, hanya ingin dianggap sebagai apa adanya ia, tidak lebih!
Tapi selalu, begitu ia mencari tempat dimana harapnya terbangun, hanya 5 huruf yang ia dapat : norma.
Dan seperti biasa, semakin banyak ia mengungkap kata, ribuan “seharusnya” mendorong balik dirinya yang baru saja bersimpuh, membuatnya terbentur dan terus terbentur dengan berbagai macam benteng kukuh yang tertuang dalam sekian banyak kemestian. Aturan mana yang hanya berlaku untuk satu pihak saja, sementara pihak lainnya terus mengintimidasi sambil berlindung di balik justifikasi kalimat-kalimat Pemiliknya?

Aku mundur sejenak malam itu.
Membiarkan semua berpikir, siapa membutuhkan apa. Berkonfrontasi sama dengan membunuh diri sendiri. Jalan terbaik –setidaknya saat ini- adalah menutup mulut rapat-rapat, menyimpan segala perkara dan meleburnya menjadi harap yang menguap.

Bukan hendak melawan. Hanya tak tahu lagi bagaimana jiwa harus bertahan.
Bukan mundur dari medan peperangan. Hanya tak ingin menerjang dan malah terpojok sebagai korban.

Aku pergi tanpa beban.
Berharap label pecundang segera luruh begitu aku keluar.
Diamku sudah cukup rasanya. Dan aku hanya menurut begitu usiran terlontar.
Tetap dalam diam.
Masihkah ada yang kurang?
Cuma berharap segalanya menjadi lebih baik setelah aku hengkang, menjadi damai dan lebih tenang.
Meski gemuruh itu semakin menumpuk, masih jua kutata ia agar tak perlu meledak dikala jenuhnya semakin teraduk-aduk.

Berlari dalam diam, sekarang.
Mengumbarnya dalam kisah mungkin akan membuatnya kembali terbentur pada sekian banyak keharusan.
Dan terpojok dalam kondisi tenggelam sama sekali bukan konsekuensi menyenangkan.
Beruntung, di hampir tengah malam masih ada pintu terbuka.
Dan doa, masih ada yang terlantunkan.
Dan penguatan, masih ada yang mempedulikan.
Sebagaimana penghakiman masih terus berdatangan,
Dan label masih saja disematkan,
Setidaknya aku semakin mengerti siapa sesungguhnya teman.

Aku keluar sekarang.
Berlari menyapa angin, tersapu badai dan nyaris terasing sendirian.
Tapi aku percaya,
Kuatku kan selalu bertahan
Hingga setiap tanya kan mengatup rapat ketika suatu saat,
Pembuktian, pasti,
pasti menjadi kenyataan.

“…i’m gonna be..STRONGER!!!”
(Reach – Gloria Estefan)


-very big thanks to my great community: Fit,Bu Mimi,Ncep & Pak Heri: saya tau kalian selalu ada:)

gbr dari sini

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21 thoughts on “Rabu, 9 Mei 07, 23.35 wib

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